Generalized Conference

Today was supposed to be the day that I went to my first Mormon worship service. There is a chapel nearby where I live and I asked my informant when they meet. I was told to come at 1:00 PM, but not this week. This week was conference.

According to Wikipedia, the place where all the lazy researchers like myself frequent, every six months or so Mormons get a "get out of church" pass and are allowed to watch the church on television and radio as they do all kinds of things like clean up their yards, bake or cook, or make a run to the store.

In The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS Church), general conferences are a semiannual meeting where general authorities and other church leaders preach sermons and give guidance to the members of the church. Changes to church leadership are also proposed and sustained through the principle of common consent. General conferences are held on the weekends containing the first Sunday in April and the first Sunday in October.

Apparently there are no actual meetings for the members. Despite the misleading name, there is no conferring or conversations between leadership and members. The big high uppity ups will stand at the podium and lecture the membership in the building and in churches all around the world about things. Usual topics include reminders to be Christlike and loving and to do this and that. According to my informant nothing very interesting is usually said and most members watch out of a generalized sense of guilt. I suppose Mormons have some kind of hang up with being free to sleep in and watch football.

Yesterday, at the urging of my informant, I watched one of the meetings on TV (apparently there are so many Mormons around they actually televise the speeches). My expectations were low and the first guy who spoke had this really strange way of talking. He wasn't saying anything very interesting, something about listening to god and revelation (and about five minutes railing against the pernicious influence of pornography), but the way he was saying it was strange. He had this sing song way of talking, almost as if he were performing some kind of deranged poem. It felt like he was talking to some really little kids and needed to keep his voice non-threatening and interesting at the same time. I hope upon hope that Obama adopts this bizarre method of speech, it could give us something else to giggle at. I wonder if all Mormon meetings are going to have people getting up and talking to the audience in this way.

I admit I grew bored sometime in the second sermon and flipped to another channel to watch something about a blender that you can tap. I asked my informant if I had missed anything and he said no. For any of my Mormon readers, I have a question. Why? What are you getting out of these meetings that aren't meetings? Do the leaders ever say anything interesting? Are you hypnotized by the sing song way of talking? Are you still asleep from the last conference?

I will have to wait until next Sunday to go to a Mormon church. I look forward to it.