On my way home from work today in the wind, it occurred to me that many of my readers (both of them) may not know much about Mormonism. Well, if you are looking for accuracy go somewhere else. This is my take on Mormonism as evidenced through countless hours of careful research as well as copious amounts of artistic license (beer).
To adequately tell the story we need to jump into the way back machine and examine another budding religious movement: Christianity. (insert sound effect) Jesus Christ, an aspiring fisher of men had run afoul of a local ordinance. After his untimely departure the church he founded continued to grow and fill the western world. Eventually, the movement joined forces with the entity that had murdered its founder and everyone decided to blame the Jews. History marched forward as Christianity eventually splintered and dark adherents began fighting with pale adherents over the nature of the religion.
Questions by the dozens had surfaced in the intervening centuries that separate us from our Lord and Savior. Hard questions. No one, not even people who wore tall hats, could figure out the answers. Cue one illiterate farm boy named Joseph Smith. In the early part of the 19th century God the Father (now divided) and his son Jesus Christ paid young Joseph a visit while he was playing hooky from hoeing the beets. They told him that they had all the answers everyone had been looking for and apologized for taking so long and could not clarify before all the unpleasantness with nails and all that, there was traffic. They told him that everyone had gotten it all wrong. Joseph was too polite to ask what the answers were before they left once again.
Joseph seemed pleased with this useless information and went back to the thrilling cosmopolitan life of a farmer. Some time later God the Father sent an angel to tell Joseph where some lost gold plates could be found that would explain all the things the had talked about when God and Jesus had visited. Joseph acquired them and translated the story by looking in a rock hidden in a hat. Eventually he produced the Book of Mormon. Joseph started a church based on this book and began to baptize anyone who wanted to be saved.
Despite its encouraging origins, the Book of Mormon did not actually answer any of the questions. Distressed, Joseph prayed and God took pity on Joseph for the joke he had played and chose him to be his prophet. Thus, Joseph was able to come up with all kinds of detailed and wonderful new information to answer all the tricky questions that had plagued mankind for centuries.
Theologians had strayed so far from the original form of the church Christ had taught that they had entirely forgotten about the polygamy, magic underwear, secret temple sacrifices, hatred of wine (Jesus wouldn't touch the stuff), a human God living on an alien planet, Jewish Indians, communism, a cursed Negro, and BYU football.
He corrected the issues and implemented God's kingdom on Earth until an angry mob, tired of waiting for the punchline, tried to beat it out of him while he sat in jail awaiting trial for smashing a printing press.
The solutions were so effective that their evident truthfulness helped preserve the cohesion of the church as they walked to some cheaper real estate in Utah. They continue to remind the world of all the good ideas of the church by sending out their best and brightest young men to greet people unthoughtful enough to forget the questions in the first place.
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