Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Mormonism from Dummies



On my way home from work today in the wind, it occurred to me that many of my readers (both of them) may not know much about Mormonism. Well, if you are looking for accuracy go somewhere else. This is my take on Mormonism as evidenced through countless hours of careful research as well as copious amounts of artistic license (beer).

To adequately tell the story we need to jump into the way back machine and examine another budding religious movement: Christianity. (insert sound effect) Jesus Christ, an aspiring fisher of men had run afoul of a local ordinance. After his untimely departure the church he founded continued to grow and fill the western world. Eventually, the movement joined forces with the entity that had murdered its founder and everyone decided to blame the Jews. History marched forward as Christianity eventually splintered and dark adherents began fighting with pale adherents over the nature of the religion.

Questions by the dozens had surfaced in the intervening centuries that separate us from our Lord and Savior. Hard questions. No one, not even people who wore tall hats, could figure out the answers. Cue one illiterate farm boy named Joseph Smith. In the early part of the 19th century God the Father (now divided) and his son Jesus Christ paid young Joseph a visit while he was playing hooky from hoeing the beets. They told him that they had all the answers everyone had been looking for and apologized for taking so long and could not clarify before all the unpleasantness with nails and all that, there was traffic. They told him that everyone had gotten it all wrong. Joseph was too polite to ask what the answers were before they left once again.

Joseph seemed pleased with this useless information and went back to the thrilling cosmopolitan life of a farmer. Some time later God the Father sent an angel to tell Joseph where some lost gold plates could be found that would explain all the things the had talked about when God and Jesus had visited. Joseph acquired them and translated the story by looking in a rock hidden in a hat. Eventually he produced the Book of Mormon. Joseph started a church based on this book and began to baptize anyone who wanted to be saved.

Despite its encouraging origins, the Book of Mormon did not actually answer any of the questions. Distressed, Joseph prayed and God took pity on Joseph for the joke he had played and chose him to be his prophet. Thus, Joseph was able to come up with all kinds of detailed and wonderful new information to answer all the tricky questions that had plagued mankind for centuries.

Theologians had strayed so far from the original form of the church Christ had taught that they had entirely forgotten about the polygamy, magic underwear, secret temple sacrifices, hatred of wine (Jesus wouldn't touch the stuff), a human God living on an alien planet, Jewish Indians, communism, a cursed Negro, and BYU football.

He corrected the issues and implemented God's kingdom on Earth until an angry mob, tired of waiting for the punchline, tried to beat it out of him while he sat in jail awaiting trial for smashing a printing press.

The solutions were so effective that their evident truthfulness helped preserve the cohesion of the church as they walked to some cheaper real estate in Utah. They continue to remind the world of all the good ideas of the church by sending out their best and brightest young men to greet people unthoughtful enough to forget the questions in the first place.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Mission Statement



Greetings World,

I am new to this whole blogging thing. Well, I am not exactly new, I have been reading and posting to blogs covering various and sundry topics for years. What I mean is that I have not ever attempted to start a blog. Mostly I am somewhat self conscious of my writing style and I am not convinced I have anything interesting to say.

Today, however, I am hoping to change that.



I am beginning a new journey of discovery, a spiritual or an intellectual pursuit. Allow me to explain my aims and goals for my blog and for my free time over the next little while.

I have always held a sort of fascination for religion in general. I don't know exactly why, perhaps because I have not been exposed to many religious traditions. I was raised in a family that did not really consider religion to be a worthwhile interest, something of a "secularist" family. I have delved deeply into dozens of books about religions from all over the world. I have studied Eastern traditions, Islam, Christianity, and even some cults like the Moonies, Scientology, and Mormonism.

Earlier this year I moved from California to Salt Lake City, Utah and have found myself immersed in a culture I find very interesting. Mormonism is pervasive in Utah. I know, everyone knows this, but it is one thing to hear it and another thing to live it. The religion saturates the entire region. I am not complaining. These Mormons seem to be very interested in all things godly and have churches all over the place. Every block seems to have a meeting house and Sundays you can see bedecked herds of people flocking to worship the Almighty.

I resolved a couple of months ago to further investigate this religious tradition. I have spent a little bit of time on the internet and have heard a lot of conflicting things. I have also asked around at work about it, but most people are slow to speak of religion (not a polite topic), or I continue to get confusing information. I decided to expand my investigations and decided to invite some of their recruiters to my home in order to learn more.

They came on time and turned out to be very young men. We spoke for a while and they asked to give me a lesson, which I accepted. They returned a few more times and gave more "discussions" and eventually asked to baptize me. Sadly, they seemed to confuse curiosity with a religious desire, but I did not dissuade them. I have never met anyone so passionate or sincere as these two gentleman, so I found it odd that they did not have answers to all of my questions (imperfectly based on my research online). They refused to address what went on in the Mormon Temple and reacted very strongly when I brought up some rituals that seemed to depict violence and secrecy. They assured me I had access to bad information.

Over time, when I refused baptism, the recruiters (called Elders, I am not sure, they seemed a little young to be elder anything) eventually left me in peace. However, curiosity had not been sated. If anything, their presentations seemed designed to exclude much of the information I found online. They did not really address Mormon polygamy or anything about the Masons. My desire to know the real inside story has niggled at me ever since.

This brings me back to my Project. I believe the best way to learn about a culture is to immerse oneself within that culture. I have decided to become a "Mormon." I think I will invite the recruiters back to baptize me a Mormon. Then I can move and operate freely as an insider to find out what is going on in this cult. I am very excited, I have never been brainwashed before (wink, wink). This next Sunday I plan on attending a worship service. I will report back here what I have found, if anything.

I don't know at this time how far I am going to pursue this charade. I reserve the right to give up on this Project at anytime. I will allow my curiosity to propel me forward and carry on to wherever I can go. At this time, I would like to get inside a Temple and witness for myself the rituals that take place. I doubt they are sinister, but according to what I have read thus far, they will be revealing. I will also take a close look at the culture in general and try to get a feel for what how they view the world. I will chime in here from time to time about anything that is on my mind also.

Until next time Fellow Adventurers.